Monday, June 7, 2010

What could have been...

So last night as I was nursing Victoria to sleep, I had this sudden realization how different life really could have been. And it hit me. How lucky we have been with Jonathan. I have posted about his birth and that we were told he would never walk and talk, and I envisioned him with severe cerebral palsy and in a wheel chair. To the point that I could see him in the chair, and could feel myself pushing it. I just wanted to vomit.

I would have loved him just the same, and just like everything else, Tony and I would have dealt with it. I still would have been proud to be his mother, smothered him with kisses every chance I could, and wanted to give him everything in the world. But if Jonathan's outcome would have been what the doctors had told us it would be, would I have these other two beautiful children? I know that if they were never conceived I wouldn't have known the difference...but man, the thought of it makes my heart just ache. Would Tony and I have actually made it? Probably. We seem to be able to make it through anything. Would he be working where he is now? Would we live in our new house? Who would my friends be?

Thoughts like that make me so grateful for what I do have. Jonathan has a few struggles in school, but we are not sure if that is stroke related or not. Any kid can have those issues. But he walks, he talks, he climbs trees, he annoys the shit out of us...he is absolutely fantastic.

Life is good.


Stephaine said...

I had never heard about Jonathan's birth. It broke my heart reading about his stroke and your (continuing) journey. It lifted my spirits and brought tears to my eyes to hear of your description now. :) Thank you for sharing!

Mommy07 said...

Hey- I have come across your blog from other's before but never commented. My first son too had a crazy traumatic birth and we were told the same ( possible cp, seizures, etc.) Noah is now 2.5 and is 100% neurotypical for lack of a better term. I don't come across too many people with these sort of outcomes...not too many people understand the heartache of being told those things and then the overwhelming joy and lesson learned when your kid turns out normal despite that, it's amazing. Anyhow, just wanted to say hello