Monday, June 14, 2010

Sometimes you just forget.

We got the packet from Jonathan's IEP evaluation today.  His meeting is on Wednesday.  I just want to cry.

Looking at him I forget sometimes how far he has come.  I forget that the boy had a severe head injury.  I forget that we were told he would never walk and talk.  I forget my son had a stroke.  How in the world can I forget?

I have to forget.  I have to forget the NICU.  I have to forget the two spinal taps they gave my baby before he was even 4 days old.  I have to forget the IV's in his head, the seizures, the medications, the tears, the screams.  I have to forget the incredible heartache of knowing that something was horribly wrong with my baby.  I have to forget the guilt of thinking it was something that I did.  I have to forget the worry of always knowing something was going to be wrong.  I have to forget the MRI image of my son's brain.  In order to move on, I have to forget.

I focus more on the good things.  Like his typical annoying 7 year old behavior.  Or that he rides a bike without training wheels (pressure from your 4 year old brother doing it does a boy good!).  The fact that my son can walk and talk is amazing.  Jonathan is amazing.

I am dumbfounded at how all that heartache can come racing back, and the tears can start to flow from a silly test score.  Just when I thought I tucked all that pain away far enough for it not to come out, it does.  

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