Friday, December 19, 2008

Fertility...

So Tony and I are done having babies...this fact makes me sad even though I really do not wish to push anymore watermelons out of my hooha. I loved being pregnant...sort of anyway. I am facinated with the feeling of a baby growing inside of my body, feeling them move around, hearing the heartbeat, and yes, giving birth. The whole process is amazing. Tony and I do have fertility problems...like HYPER fertility. We can ly next to eachother, say the word baby and BAM, one magically appears in my womb. All three of our children were surprises. I feel kind of ripped of because we never got to actually 'try' to have a baby. Never once did we look at eachother and say "Lets have anther!". The closest we got to that was Victoria...when we were in Mexico we talked about the fact that we were both a little sad that we were done having children, and having a little girl would have been nice...Our bodies misunderstood...we didn't say "lets make a baby girl" we said it WOULD have been nice. We are incredibly grateful to have her. I seriously have no idea where my life would be without her. I do now feel complete. I never truly understood that until I looked into my daughters eyes. I needed her, we needed her. My pregnancy with her, and giving birth was an incredibly healing experience. No NICU trips, I labored and birth on my own, no induction. My body didn't fail me. She is amazing, the whole experience has been amazing...someone remind me of this when she is 16 PLEASE!

This brings me to fertility issues...I know a lot of people who have them. And I feel guilty. My cousin and her husband could not get pregnant. What I would have done to give them a baby. I would have carried one for her if I actually had decent pregnancies. She has adopted a wonderful little boy who is amazing, and she is okay with not giving birth. I can't say that I would be. This is my lifes dream, I cannot imagine how I would feel if someone told me that it wasn't going to happen. Then there is the family friend...numerous rounds of IVF have failed. I am not sure what direction they are headed in next. And someone I 'know' online just found out that she is infact VERY pregnant after 3 years and one failed IVF attempt. I cried when I found out. Almost like I was trying and found out for myself that I was pregnant. I am living through these women who are 'trying'. It's weird.

I just can't fathom life without my babies...or watching my belly grow, or feeling them move inside of my body. I actually have video of Victoria 'dancing' in my belly. I have to remind myself sometimes when they are driving me nuts that a lot of women are envious, and they would love to have just one...just one baby. They wish for more, but they would be happy for one.

I just want to tell those that are having fertility issues...I am sorry. I feel guilty knowing so many women that have issues, and my husband and I wind up 'accidentally' pregnant 3 times. I hope that soon, you too will get that BFP and have a healthy happy nine months. It is the experience of a lifetime...

1 comment:

Ellen said...

I know a lot of women who've had fertility issues, too. Like you, I haven't ever had a problem, but now that I'm over 40, who knows what would happen if I try to get pregnant! You are SO going to have a lot to say on Monday's post, stay tuned!!!
xo