Reality Check.

I have muscular dystrophy. There. I said it.

Yesterday I was moving hay bales and I am paying for it this morning. I generally don't have many symptoms of it, except when I do some sort of strenuous activity. I have what they call Limb-Girdle Muscular Dystrophy. I got booted out of the Army in week 5 of basic training because my body was failing me, and this was my first clue. It took me the birth of both boys to actually see a doctor to find out what was going on. Generally after childbirth you feel like you got hit by a mack truck for a few days. Well, my truck hit me, ran me over a few times, and kept coming back to run me over some more. Instead of taking a few days to be on the mend (mind you, childbirth for any woman takes quite some time to recover from, but I am talking just the ability to get up and move) it takes me a few weeks. I remember struggling just to hold the boys. When Jacob was 4 weeks old I had a muscle biopsy done, it came back abnormal, so the doctor wanted to do a muscular dystrophy blood panel. I remember hearing him say that, but I don't think it registered. And then I got the phone call. Yes, I found out, on the phone, that I had muscular dystrophy. He told me the exact name of it, asked me if I had any questions, and said to go back and see him once a year. Nice. Real nice.

Needless to say, I have not been back. I successfully gave birth to another child, but did it without the use of pitocin (yeah for natural childbirth!) and my body responded a bit better. I don't need someone to tell me how I am doing. I think I am pretty good at figuring that out for myself. I have already been told that there is nothing I can do to make it any better, he pretty much told me that it won't kill me, but I may be wheel chair bound at some point. Yay! Thanks for the good news! Maybe the 11 year age difference between my husband and I is really a good thing! Motorized scooters, here we come!

On a good note, I am going to be calling my doctor to see if I can have insurance pay for massage therapy...I will let you know! ;)

Vaccines, you either love them, or hate them.

I personally hate them. But let me just start off this post by saying that whether or not to vaccinate your child is a very personal choice, and whether you do or do not does not make you a bad parent. After loads of research, I have decided we are done. All this after my 7 year old is fully vaxed, my 4 year old is partially vaxed (about half) and my 2 year old...well, she has had 3.

As a new parent I was so afraid of everything. Especially having a child that was supposed to have profound disabilities. I was barely 24 when Jonathan was born, and all I wanted to do was protect him. He was vaccinated against EVERYTHING...if they had a shot, he was getting it. Although there were a few that the doctors wouldn't give him, because of the potential seizure side effect. It took me about 6 months to actually look into that, and then my research began. Fast forward to the birth of Jacob. The kid screamed if you touched him from the get go. So I started to be a bit cautious because I really didn't want to piss him off by giving him shots all the time. He screamed enough already, why add to his misery. And after all his food allergy issues came to light and I started to research all of that, info started popping up on vaccines also. ACK! Too much information for me to process! And then fast forward to Victoria. I she didn't get poked once in the hospital...well, she did get a heel stick to check her bili level for jaundice at the same time they did her PKU testing. She didn't receive the standard vitamin K shot, no eye goop, nothing. I didn't have gonorrhea so why in the hell would I need to put antibiotics in her eyes? And then, no vaccines. By standards they were supposed to get 4 shots at their 2 month well baby visit...barf. That is A LOT! We didn't start Victoria getting anything until after her first birthday. And then I read this article in my Mothering magazine called The Vaccine Debate. Awesome article! Very informative! I highly suggest it! PLEASE READ IT! So anyway, after doing more research and talking with my pediatrician (who by the way is pro-vaccine for the most part but doesn't get the flu vax himself, nor the H1N1, and thinks the chicken pox vaccine is for convenience only) and discovered that I will not be getting fired for choosing not to vaccinate my children anymore, that we have now stopped. For the time being. Victoria got a Hib_vaccine in January and ended up with a swollen leg and she refused to walk for 2 days. That was enough for me.

On to the chicken pox...we are on day 17 of a second exposure. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Ziltch. Talk about piss me off. I feel guilty about knowingly exposing them to this dreaded but virtually harmless virus. Yes I do. But I would much rather them get it now, like I did as a young child. The alternative is getting the vax, that who knows how effective it is, and hoping that they get the boosters as they get older. I have this gut feeling that in the future we are going to have a whole generation of adults that get incredibly sick from the chicken pox because they got vaccinated as children, but forgot about the boosters as adults. Just like the issue with pertussis. Yes, we all got vaccinated as children, but how many of us have gotten the boosters? I know I haven't!

Vaccinating is a hard question. You feel guilty if you do, yet freak out if you don't. And the pressure...oh the pressure. Here, let us tell you the horrible nasty things that can happen to your child if you don't get this vaccine. Ah yes, and in small print they will share with you what can happen if they DO get the vaccine. Listen to your heart. If you want to, then by all means, go ahead. But if you don't, please don't do it. You can always do it later. But after you inject whatever vaccine it is, you can't take it back out. My only request if you do vaccinate is this: go easy on them. It is suggested to get multiple shots at one visit...go for one shot. You don't have to pay a co-pay for a nurse visit! And if they do have a reaction, you will know which one they have reacted to. If you choose to get multiple shots, you will never know what caused the problem.

What could have been...

So last night as I was nursing Victoria to sleep, I had this sudden realization how different life really could have been. And it hit me. How lucky we have been with Jonathan. I have posted about his birth and that we were told he would never walk and talk, and I envisioned him with severe cerebral palsy and in a wheel chair. To the point that I could see him in the chair, and could feel myself pushing it. I just wanted to vomit.

I would have loved him just the same, and just like everything else, Tony and I would have dealt with it. I still would have been proud to be his mother, smothered him with kisses every chance I could, and wanted to give him everything in the world. But if Jonathan's outcome would have been what the doctors had told us it would be, would I have these other two beautiful children? I know that if they were never conceived I wouldn't have known the difference...but man, the thought of it makes my heart just ache. Would Tony and I have actually made it? Probably. We seem to be able to make it through anything. Would he be working where he is now? Would we live in our new house? Who would my friends be?

Thoughts like that make me so grateful for what I do have. Jonathan has a few struggles in school, but we are not sure if that is stroke related or not. Any kid can have those issues. But he walks, he talks, he climbs trees, he annoys the shit out of us...he is absolutely fantastic.

Life is good.

Goodness me...3 days in a row!

It is a record! Yay for me.

So with all this darkness that seems to be running rampant lately, I want to share some good. Tonight is pizza and movie night in our house, nothing better than homemade pizza and curling up on the couch with the kiddies!

Jacob finished with preschool yesterday. He made some really big strides and we saw some huge changes in him since we switched his preschool. The first one he was at was horrific. He would scream and cry every time we would drop him off, and home life sucked big time. The teacher pretty much told me I was raising a psychopath and he needed some psychiatric intervention. His new preschool teachers...they think he is WONDERFUL! And ridiculously cute to boot! He goes to an 'old school' school. They learn completely though play and experimentation. When I picked him up yesterday the handed me a HUGE folder pasted full of pictures of his 6 months there along with all his cool art work. He cannot wait to go back in September. This school is incredibly awesome...if you are in my area and want to know more about it, please let me know.

Jonathan got a 10 on his spelling test today...it is amazing what a bribe of ice cream can do! We are still incredibly proud, we just really wish he would WANT to learn, not want a trip to the ice cream store. Oh well, it is a start right?

And my baby...my Victoria. I cannot believe she turns 2 in 2 short weeks. Actually, 13 days if you are really counting. We are 14 days into an exposure to chicken pox...I am sure hoping she gets them. Jacob too...and then hopefully Jonathan. But more on my insane parenting practices later. If they do come down with them, you can be sure that I will let everyone know, and be the cruel mom and post pics. I need proof anyway for the doctors office so they won't give me shit about not vaccinating them.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Henry Louis Granju

I cannot begin to tell you how effected I have been by this boy, and his mothers writing. I am absolutely heartbroken with the loss of this beautiful child, yet profoundly inspired by his mothers love and courage. I hope you take the time to read what Katie has shared in her blog. It is truly inspiring.

Katie, your are an amazing mother and person. I hope that the memory of Henry lives on and justice is brought to those that have done this. Rest In Peace Henry Louis Granju.

I just read a story of a woman who just lost her son to drugs.http://mamapundit.com/

I have not read her entire blog, but instead read a lot of her recent posts and stared at her sons beautiful pictures. And it got me thinking...what kind of parent am I really...do I actually fit the AP mold? Here is a message I shared with my local AP group.

So these recent posts and a few on another message board I belong to got me thinking. What exactly is AP? There seem to be so many different opinions, so I am curious as to what it means to you.

AP to me means parenting with my natural instincts. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. I have wanted to breastfeed a child, cuddle, love, nurture, wake up next to my baby every morning. I have achieved that, times 3. It is amazing, and I love being a mother. Most days.

I never considered the fact that I may not be an AP parent because for a time in my life, I didn't want to be a mother, at least not to one of my children. I couldn't handle the screaming, and if I could have given him away without the fear of missing him, I would have. I have lost my temper on all 3 of my children, I have yelled, I have even screamed. I have given them junk infested food, used disposable diapers, and had my fair share of days where they sat in front of the television so I could either get some things done, or be selfish and have some time to sit and read a book. My kids don't call the shots either. They are made to do plenty of things they don't want to.

Eating organically, using cloth diapers (my stash is up for sale if anyone is interested) and trying to protect my child from everything isn't something I can do 24/7. I do know that I try my best to be the best mother I can be. Most days. I do know that I can help my children be the best people they can be, but ultimately that is their choice. I can guide them in school and help them with friends. But if they choose to hang out with bad people I know I only have so much control over that. I can't protect my children from everything. I am learning that all to well with a first grader. But as a parent, I know that is not my job. My job is to teach and guide. It is ultimately up to my child to choose his or her life path. I just hope they choose a good one.

Okay...new year, lots of new stuff...I need to keep up with this!

So, I have some things I need to accomplish, and hopefully I can keep on track. Here is the daunting list:

1. Declutter. We move in just about 3 months. I have all sorts of 'stuff' that I have no desire to take with us. The crap just needs to go.

2. I so need to lose a few pounds. I am hoping to get Tony to jump on board with me. He is generally good for a day or two before giving up. But for the health of both of us, we really need to lose some weight. Maybe I can get him out walking, and I am the one that goes grocery shopping...hee hee hee...more tomatoes and rice honey?

3. Housekeeping...enough said.

4. Budgeting. With our mortgage payment doubling, I need to cut some costs. At least until we sell our current house. I am already working on the food budget, but I can't go for the cheap processed junk. I wish the good stuff was cheap!

5. I need to update this blog more often...and post pics of the kids for my Dad. I keep telling him I will, but never do. Such a bad daughter. Ugh. The pic up top is for you...