I contemplated for awhile on starting a new blog.  One that was completely anonymous, so I could hide.  But that is all I have been doing and I really need to stop.

I'm battling depression.  Not sure why or what the fuck happened to put me in this position, but alas here I am.  And it sucks.  And I am tired of it (literally and figuratively).  And what is more depressing is that I have NOTHING to be depressed about.  There unfortunately is a history, both with me and other family members.  But there has always been a reason.  I supposed there are things that have happened in life that could have dug this hole I am in without my knowledge, but when I look back on those reasons I'm not overly bothered.  I live in an amazing area, I have a fantastic husband, three kids who are pretty freaking awesome, no money troubles, fantastic grades in college, blah blah blah.  If I were a stranger looking at me I would question just why in the world I am saying I am depressed.  But that is the funny thing about mental illness.  There are no reasons.  It just is what it is.

I can feel better though.  I know I can.  Right now that goal seems unattainable.  So I am going to start baby steps.  I am going to wake up every day at the same time and go to bed at the same time.  I am going to go for a walk every morning and do yoga as well as put better foods in my body.  It is Mother's Day and I am going to start taking care of ME!

Back in the saddle...sort of.

I wish I had a horse.  Not sure where I could keep it, and I know that there was a horse running around my neighborhood this weekend after "Nemo" came for a visit.  But horses need horse food, and they poop.  A lot.  Although I am sure that all that horse poop would be awesome for my garden, who in the world could clean it all up?  I can't even get my kids to clean up dog poop or clean the cats little box.  Hell, I'm lucky if they can clean up their own poop!  I am still the resident ass-wiper, although we are now just down to one that needs it.  Ah such is life with motherhood...right?

So, this really isn't about horses.  I need to get back in the saddle again.  I need to get organized, again.  I need to start working out, again. I need to be a better mother, wife, daughter, again.  I need to eat better, again.  I need to sleep better, again...again, again, again. I keep waking up each day and saying 'Tomorrow will be the day' and guess what, tomorrow never comes.  Truly, it never comes.  So I need to make it today.  I am running out of excuses.  I'm tired, I'm slightly overweight, I have situational ADD (wish it was ADHD, as I might actually have some energy!) and I want my freaking life back.  I'm not depressed or anything, overwhelmed might be more like it.  I have a husband who works full time, as well as goes to school full time.  I am his secretary, his cook, laundress, seamstress, housekeeper, best friend and lover.  That is a lot of freaking hats.  Then I have the three kids...secretary, taxi, cook, personal assistant, runner, bank, scheduler, teacher, warden, hairdresser, nurse, doctor, and lets not forget resident ass-wiper.

I need a list.  I constantly make lists.  Lists that generally never get followed, but I have high hopes I can start following one.  I need it written out in front of me.  I need to see it.  I am tempted to post pictures as before/after...but only after the after.  So, here is my list:

1. Take before picture
2. Do 100 crunches/sit ups a day
3. Walk at least one mile a day
4. Restart the C25K program...or something like it.
5. Have more sex.
6. Get outside more.
7. Organize and get rid of shit.
8. Turn 35
9. Take after shot.

I turn 35 six moths and 4 days from today.  That is my goal.  I have not a goal to reach a certain weight, look a certain way, or have a perfect house.  I just want to be comfortable in my skin, and have a house that I wouldn't be mortified if someone rang the doorbell.  

Here's to getting old!

Revisiting old stomping grounds...a new beginning...change...whatever.

I have wished for a long time I could get into this blogging bug that so many people seem to have.  Life always seemed to get the better of me, I lacked the time, or really anything interesting to write about.  I'm a stay at home mom...so what.  Actually, that isn't true anymore.  I work part time.  There are loads of funnier, wittier, more heartwarming or piss yourself laughing blogs about motherhood out there.  I am not worthy.

So I want to change it up.  I want to give myself some challenges, and write about it.  Online journal of sorts, I hope some others like me will find this and join in.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to cause some laughter, tears, and light bulb moments.  I hope you'll join me.  Motivate me.  Keep me going.  Because I sure as hell am going to need it!  Here goes!

I have an ABILITY.  I am so not ready to put a dis in front of that word.  Someday it may come to that, but not anytime soon if I can help it.  I am unsure if I ever blogged about this, or have even talked much about it.  But it is starting to kick my ass, but I refuse to go down without a fight.  I have Limb-Girdle Muscular Dystrophy 2A.  Diagnosis came in 2006.   I had joined the military in 2001 (before 9/11) and made it half way through boot camp before going into beginning renal failure.  I don't think the Army could discharge me fast enough!  I know they knew something was amiss, but they never told me, just said I was unhealthy and unfit for duty.  After having Jonathan, I had to visit the oncologist to do all sorts of blood work to find out if I had a clotting disorder.  Renal issues again, they wouldn't let me leave until they pumped me full of fluid and made an appointment with a nephrologist and a neurologist.  Kidneys weren't looking to hot, and he was convinced I had some other sort of metabolic disorder.  I ignored it all.  I didn't want to deal with it.  Fast-forward to being pregnant with Jacob.  Had the normal 20-week ultrasound done, they spotted issues with my kidneys, so I had to have further testing.  And then the neurologist sent me to a neuromuscular clinic...after Jacob was born I went in for a muscle biopsy, and then more kidney testing.  More blood work...and more blood work.  Only to receive a phone call in June 2006 with my neuromuscular doc telling me "you have muscular dystrophy" over the telephone.  Yes, the telephone.  And I have ignored it.  Until now.  Maybe it was denial.  I had read up on it, but I didn't fit the description.  I was fine.  I've given birth and survived THREE children.  I survived almost 2 phases of boot camp.  This is ridiculous.

So here I am now.  I keep hearing horror stories that people are in wheelchairs 10 or so years after symptoms appear.  Or at least walking with a walker/cane/crutches.  I am on year 11.  No walker.  No cane.  And most certainly no wheelchair.  But I feel it.  This disease is slowly creeping up on me.  So I am going to challenge myself.  I'm going to go back to the neurologist, back to the nephrologist, and get baselines done.  I need to revisit both anyway.  I am going to exercise.  Daily.  Starting with at least 1 mile walk a day, along with some weight training.  Crunches.  Oh how I hate crunches.  But due to growing three watermelons in my stomach, my muscles were stretched to the max, and there isn't much left.  I need to build them back.  Crunches work.  I need good core muscles...wonder if I can get a 6 pack?  Or at least close to it???

I've made my decision.  I really really really want to sit back and cry about this.  But I'll be damned if I give in to a wheelchair.  I've never gone down without kicking and screaming, and I refuse to start now.

My brain has a cramp.

No really.  It hurts.  It has been hurting.  My blog posts reflect that.  Not that I am some ridiculously talented writer or anything, but I generally think of myself as a bit witty, but in recent posts all of that has been gone.  It isn't that nothing crazy or funny has been happening in my life, every day is full of that.  I just can't seem to write it down.  I started this blog for various reasons, mostly I want to be able to keep my kids antics connected with family that lives far away...which is EVERYONE.  It has served as a sort of personal diary, something maybe the kids can look back on someday and laugh.
Maybe I need more sleep.  I have a newfound addiction to television shows from Netflix...currently it is Dexter.  My love for forensics is returning.  I need some curtains on my windows too...now that we have moved and our house seems to be lit up by the street lights and the lights in the harbor.  We didn't have street lights before.  Or the coast guard lights.  Or any lights.  It was dark.  And private.  Not like our current but absolutely lovely fishbowl we now live in.  We designed the damn house...I never thought about window treatments or street lights.  I laid in bed last night and looked at all my lovely windows.  There are 9 of them in my bedroom alone.  NINE.  On 2 walls.  What in the hell was I thinking?!??!  The view is great...the sunsets are phenomenal.  But I never considered the damn street lights.
I think we are venturing to Ikea today...

STOP! I want to get off!

Life really doesn't feel fair today.  At all.  My heart is absolutely breaking today for a couple I went to HS with...their daughter just died of brain cancer last night.  She was 8.  EIGHT.  Why?  Why does this stuff have to happen?

I cannot fathom losing a child.  It is my worst nightmare.  I am going to take my kid out and have a good time now...hug them a little tighter...give them ice cream a time or two extra today.

My heart goes out to you Tara and Mike.  I am so sorry.

I think I have recovered!

Or I am at least on the mend.  I met Tony after work on Wednesday and we decided to buy some kayaks.  He passed his final test with a 98, so it was time to celebrate.  After moving into our house and seeing all the boats and kayaks in the harbor, it was most certainly time!  So we both got one, and we even got one for Jonathan.  The kids were ecstatic and could not wait to get them in the water!  It was all Jacob talked about yesterday.  So when Tony got home from work, we went out.

Jonathan enjoyed the first 2 minutes before he was done and ready to go back.  Don't be fooled, the boy was tethered to me.  He only lost his paddle once, thank goodness they float!  I refused to let him quit, so he kept on paddling.  We were going against the current, and the tide was still on its way out, so it isn't like it was the easiest thing to do in the first place.  But I will give him credit, even though he complained almost the entire way, he did enjoy himself, and he kept trying.

Tony had Jacob in his kayak, and I had Victoria.  The two of them really enjoyed it.  Well, for the most part.

This picture doesn't even look like my daughter, but nevertheless it is.  We had just turned around and started to head back because some storms were moving in, and to be honest, we have no clue where the salt marsh comes out to the river.  The rip tide is pretty nasty there, a place that I most certainly don't want to get caught in with my kids let alone myself.  But we had a blast!  The coolest part is when the tide is in, we can literally walk across the street and dump the boats in the harbor!  I can't wait for that!

I think I have the plague!

Seriously.  The "cold" is kicking my ass.  It is a beautiful day outside, yet we won't be venturing to the beach as we should...especially since today is the first day of summer vacation.  Sorry kids...you brought these germs home (yes, I blame my children...they were ill first!) and because you smother me in kisses I am now sick.  I love  your kisses, but keep those germies to yourself!  I still love you though!